Minds Chaos

Since the passing of my mother, my life has been anything but normal, the common, everyday things, feelings, thoughts and desires have seemed to disappear in the loud noise of chaos that engulfs my mind, takes over my heart, day in and day out.

I have tried to find some form of peace within, anything just to get me through a single day, which has not been as successful as I had hoped or needed it to be.

While I was out and about a few nights ago, truthfully, I needed a drink, I met up with a friend at a local bar.  This friend is someone whom I had hoped at one time would be something more to me, but that unfortunately was not going to be the case, so instead, I enjoy the friendship we have and the occasional moments we spend together.

While we were talking, I was trying to answer his questions as honestly as possible, however being in a bar, that proved more difficult than expected.  He asked if I'd like to head over to his place to talk, without the bar scene to worry about.  Initially I was hesitant, but something pushed me to say yes.

This man has never been anything other than a perfect gentleman to me when we have spent time at his place, he is someone that I trust with my wellbeing and never have a reason to question his motives.  He's as honest as they come and, in my experience, that is a very rare trait that isn't found nearly enough in other men.

Prior to leaving the bar, and for as long as I can remember, I haven't had a moments peace with the thoughts running through my mind and the pain that replays in my heart, over and over.  Once I got to his place, it was as if someone turned off the radio in my head.  There was no chaos, static, loud noise, etc.  In fact, we started talking and I couldn't put into words what I was feeling because honestly, I felt at peace.  Everything that had me on the edge subsided.

I am not sure why this happens when I am with him, I am not sure why I feel so drawn to him, but it has been this way for some time and I am not sure what to make of it.

Personally, he has no interest in me outside of a friendship.  Although there are times when I tell myself or better yet, try to convince myself to move on and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship with someone else, it never happens for me.  Mainly due to the fact that I feel as though I am cheating on him when I am just talking to other men.  Currently a friend is trying to set me up with a friend of hers, the guy is very nice, I know who he is, but I am just not open to it, but I am trying as I realize I need to move on with my life.

A Cruel Reality

 

A broken heart can still shatter.  Just when it feels as though strides to survive have been made, I find myself going back multiple steps.

It's a surreal feeling to know that a conversation had will be one of the last spoken.  I get it, I understand that at some point in time, we will all die, but the uncertainty of that time is not as heartbreaking as when you are truly given a time frame.

My uncle is currently under the care of Hospice.  As he remains fairly coherent, and with his extreme wits and humor about him, I spoke with him the other day and for the first time I didn't really know what to say and yet, I found myself analyzing the words that I was going to say before I said them.

New Direction, New Life

 As my youngest daughter prepares for a 10 week training class, she, along with her honey brought her fur-babies to me for some grandma time.  Once she is done with said training she will be heading to Texas where she has been assigned.  As for her training class, it is something needed while on her progress towards becoming a Drill Instructor.  

During their time out here, they are leaving an engaged couple and I couldn't be happier.  Her honey is a very good man and she has grown into a beautiful woman with a heart of gold.  Extremely proud mom over here.

Going for it all

Pool (billiards) has been a very big part of my life for many years.  My early pool experience began when I was about 5 years old and my bio-dad used to play the circuit in and around the San Francisco area and Las Vegas.  For a few years in my early childhood, we had a pool table that I loved to play on, up until my bio-dad got too serious with us on how exactly we should be playing, mind you, I could barely reach the top of the table, let along aim/angle a shot, but still, the fun times ended fairly quick.  At some point in my youth, I stopped playing altogether when missing a shot meant being grounded and/or sent to my room.

Many years had passed since I picked up a pool stick, but one night while at a local bar with friends for a night of dancing, a friend had wanted to play a game of pool during the break in music, and of course, that was the beginning of a new found love.  After a few sets, she talked me into joining her team for the next session.  Although it was supposed to be on a "sub only" basis, that didn't last too long and before I knew it, I had graduated to Captain duties of 2 teams, one ladies team and one co-ed.  

Fast forward to current day, I participate in 4 different leagues, of which I am Captain of 3 of those teams.  Perhaps losing my mother pushed me further into the pool scene, as I see it, right now it helps me to focus on something other than the complete devastation going on in my heart.

Being a part of various leagues is not the only action I get, there are also a lot of charity and/or fundraising tournaments that I participate in on a regular basis.  If any of the teams I am on are lucky enough to win in our division, then we get to play in the big tournaments such as Championships and Nationals.  The last two years have been in our favor as we were lucky enough to compete in Nationals for the 2022 year and now, the 2023 year.  :)

Unfortunately the Nationals for the 2022 year was more of a blur for me than anything else.  Mother was supposed to stay with me at Westgate for the duration of the tournament, unfortunately that was not to happen.  Mother passed away on Aug 7, our scheduled tournament was Aug 9... to say the least, the only reason I went was because mom would have wanted me to.  As this years tournament is within the same week as last year, I will be there and try my best to focus so that the team gets the win.

My World Stopped

 

I had just returned from an extended trip due to a family emergency out of state.  Due to all the traveling, my suitcase remained untouched, groceries were not a second thought, my only focus was getting back to work and reestablishing my weekly routine of dinner with the parentals every other day.

August 1, 2022 the morning started off as usual.  Got the morning call from mom, she was trying to fax a form and wanted to know if my printer was also a fax machine.. which was a "no".  I had responded with the possibility of scanning the form in on hers and emailing the document to whomever needed it, and went about my day.  I figured if mom had an issue doing that, she would let me know and I would get it done for her the following day as it was our usual dinner schedule.  

2 Steps back = 1 Step forward

 

Life has a way of reminding us of the importance of those around you.  Whether that be in terms of co-workers, friends, family, acquaintances, etc.  Although in most cases, albeit completely unintentional, the potential for not recognizing their importance or the reality of them being present in our lives takes a backseat to the chaos we live on a daily basis. Most of us are just trying to survive in this mostly unforgiving world, or moment in time we call "Life".

For most, including myself, it is the death of a very prominent person in your life that sets your course in life in a new direction.  Sometimes you don't even realize that you are moving on from such a heartbreaking loss until you find yourself facing their 1st birthday without them or the anniversary of their death, or even just what became a routine morning call through the years.  Any little moment that seemed second nature has now become a highly missed and now cherished memory.

So when you find yourself thinking back in time and find that smallest moment in which you are able to smile thinking of how happy you were at that exact moment in time, know that for every time you feel like you haven't progressed in your grief and sorrow, to be able to allow yourself to relive a great memory is taking that next step in healing, in moving forward in your life.

Give yourself a break, you are doing just fine.