A Cruel Reality

 

A broken heart can still shatter.  Just when it feels as though strides to survive have been made, I find myself going back multiple steps.

It's a surreal feeling to know that a conversation had will be one of the last spoken.  I get it, I understand that at some point in time, we will all die, but the uncertainty of that time is not as heartbreaking as when you are truly given a time frame.

My uncle is currently under the care of Hospice.  As he remains fairly coherent, and with his extreme wits and humor about him, I spoke with him the other day and for the first time I didn't really know what to say and yet, I found myself analyzing the words that I was going to say before I said them.

My uncle is someone whom I always viewed as a bear of a man, but with a heart of gold.  As a logger during most of my youth, his 6'4" stature, head of thick black hair and burly deep voice just made him in my eyes, indestructible.  When I was about 10 years old, he was logging just outside of either Washington or Oregon when his truck went over a cliff, well it slid over the cliff due to the slick roads.  I remember the family coming together for my aunt and cousins, praying for only the best when he was first reported as missing.  It was about 4 days before he and his truck were found.  Thankfully the only injury he sustained was a broken ankle, aside from some scrapes and bruises.  As a kid, I remember thinking that truck was a part of him and kept him safe throughout the ordeal.  The cab of that truck still sits in their yard site.

Fast forward to current time, it was just over a year ago that I saw him last.  He was on his way to Texas with his wife to visit some of her family.  Aside from being a little older and possibly not as tall, the burliness of his voice, the wit and humor and his expressive love of family was ever present.  I will forever cherish this moment in time with him.  Which brings me to the dilemma of today.  I love him with all my heart, but I don't want to see him in such a frail state.  I don't want to lose my perception of him and replace it with how hard he has been fighting against a long battle with cancer.  There is no doubt in my mind or heart of his strength, so now I struggle with mine.  I can't push aside my most inner view of myself.. a selfish coward.

It's been an extremely hard year for our family, emotionally, I am beyond available, hell, that train set off months ago, at this point I am running on autopilot, just barely maintaining the day to day needs of my life.