Minds Chaos

Since the passing of my mother, my life has been anything but normal, the common, everyday things, feelings, thoughts and desires have seemed to disappear in the loud noise of chaos that engulfs my mind, takes over my heart, day in and day out.

I have tried to find some form of peace within, anything just to get me through a single day, which has not been as successful as I had hoped or needed it to be.

While I was out and about a few nights ago, truthfully, I needed a drink, I met up with a friend at a local bar.  This friend is someone whom I had hoped at one time would be something more to me, but that unfortunately was not going to be the case, so instead, I enjoy the friendship we have and the occasional moments we spend together.

While we were talking, I was trying to answer his questions as honestly as possible, however being in a bar, that proved more difficult than expected.  He asked if I'd like to head over to his place to talk, without the bar scene to worry about.  Initially I was hesitant, but something pushed me to say yes.

This man has never been anything other than a perfect gentleman to me when we have spent time at his place, he is someone that I trust with my wellbeing and never have a reason to question his motives.  He's as honest as they come and, in my experience, that is a very rare trait that isn't found nearly enough in other men.

Prior to leaving the bar, and for as long as I can remember, I haven't had a moments peace with the thoughts running through my mind and the pain that replays in my heart, over and over.  Once I got to his place, it was as if someone turned off the radio in my head.  There was no chaos, static, loud noise, etc.  In fact, we started talking and I couldn't put into words what I was feeling because honestly, I felt at peace.  Everything that had me on the edge subsided.

I am not sure why this happens when I am with him, I am not sure why I feel so drawn to him, but it has been this way for some time and I am not sure what to make of it.

Personally, he has no interest in me outside of a friendship.  Although there are times when I tell myself or better yet, try to convince myself to move on and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship with someone else, it never happens for me.  Mainly due to the fact that I feel as though I am cheating on him when I am just talking to other men.  Currently a friend is trying to set me up with a friend of hers, the guy is very nice, I know who he is, but I am just not open to it, but I am trying as I realize I need to move on with my life.